Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
