Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
