just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
