She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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