did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He is an equal opportunity slut.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
