New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
