Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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