Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
