I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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