insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
