The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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