i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Barsexuality is the new black.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
