Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
