Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
