Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
