im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
