____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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