alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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