I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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