I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
