You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
