I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
