If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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