Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
