Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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