when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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