R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
