I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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