party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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