I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
