We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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