Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
