its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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