ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
