When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
