I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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