Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
