Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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