I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
