The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
plz talk dirty to me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
