The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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