He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I want a musical about memes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
