I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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