the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
my poor anus
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
