Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
