Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
