I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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