Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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