id be glad to
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
