OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
